I woke up this morning with a very strange headache. It was nothing serious but I felt a bit disoriented.
This didn’t stop me from proceeding with my morning routine.
I stared at my reflection while brushing my teeth like I always do and noticed a small scratch under my eye.
It was probably something on the pillow…
I left my house with an attempt to go and pick up my morning coffee but just as I was getting close to my car there was that new guy Jerry looking at me like a creep.
He was washing his car and obviously getting ready to establish contact. I heard my phone ringing at that moment but I was too lazy to go back.
I somehow always manage to forget that thing.
The new guy finally waved at me and asked me if I wanted to stop by for coffee and some breakfast.
Free food and coffee… Also, it’s closer than the coffee shop.
So I said Yes
Listen carefully because I shall say this only once — I may be an old grumpy fart but I do know that you shouldn’t just tell people off based on their appearance. Especially if they are new in the neighborhood and that is your first interaction.
You should also know that this one was looking like a Jerry so I gave him that name for the sake of context. I never remember names if I don’t really care about the person.
We had a rather pleasant chat. Turns out he isn’t very bright but he seemed like a good guy. Every subject I brought up was open for debate but he didn’t show much interest in any of them. We somehow end up talking about dogs and I came to a very strange realization.
I would never waste time on people that don’t like dogs. What kind of a person do you have to be to hate a dog?
I was in fadeout mode while examining this thought but Jerry snapped me back with a very interesting term — Time Travel.
Woah there Jerry. I didn’t know you are into time travel. You barely knew who LeBron James is and I’m not a big Basketball fan either.
With a very serious look on his face, Jerry offered to show me this machine that he was “constructing for years” in his basement.
Oh boy. Another one of those…This should be fun.
I throw a few cheap jokes at him while I was struggling with the stairs and I reassure Jerry that I will gladly be his lab rat. That should be enough evidence to call him a loonie and prevent this godawful event from ever happening again...
I woke up this morning with a very strange headache. It was nothing serious but I felt a bit disoriented.
This didn’t stop me from proceeding with my morning routine.
I stared at my reflection while brushing my teeth like I always do and I was looking at that black eye I got at the bar last night.
I should seriously consider rehab… But then again, I say that every morning.
I left my house with an attempt to go and pick up my morning coffee but just as I was getting close to my car there was that new guy Jerry looking at me all funny.
He was washing his car and obviously getting ready to establish contact. I heard my phone ringing at that moment but I was too lazy to go back.
The new guy finally waved at me and asked me if I wanted to stop by for coffee and breakfast.
You wasted enough money on booze and hookers last night. Might as well save some by accepting free food and coffee.
So I said Yes
I wasn’t in the mood for chit-chat but I also didn’t want to come off as arrogant so I joined his small talk about basketball and LeBron James.
Does he seriously think I’m that into basketball?
I was thinking up reasons to leave but here comes Jerry out of nowhere with a question about parallel universes and time travel…
Do I look like I’m in the mood for that easy subject? Don’t get me wrong but you can see that I had a rough night based on the texture of my face.
He wasn’t giving up. After a while, he even started convincing me that he made one and that he keeps it in his basement.
Sure, Jerry. Want me to test it so I can go home and never talk to you again?
My thoughts soon became actions and…
I woke up this morning with a very strange headache. It was nothing serious but I felt a bit disoriented.
This didn’t stop me from proceeding with my morning routine.
I stared at my reflection while brushing my teeth like I always do and noticed those bags under my eyes in full glory.
It’s clear now. I’m officially an alcoholic but in a very soothing way, it doesn’t even bother me.
I turn around to get a towel and I somehow tip over an empty glass.
Wow, you were having a drink after your close encounter with the toilet bowl last night, didn’t you? Maybe you should consider rehab after all.
I don’t want to bother you with the details but it did affect my mood a bit. I had to clean up that mess before I leave the house and go get my morning coffee.
Will you ever save up money for a coffee machine you poor bastard?
Just as I grabbed the knob the fucking phone rings. I go back to pick it up and I hear yelling and mumbling. This gentleman sounded very pissed off but also very smart at the same time. I managed to pick up some vital information as well.
…I don’t have any more time you old sack of shit! Look through the window and try to spot that cage behind Jerry’s house. There is a dog in it! I have been there a mill…
Well… there goes the line.
I could see the new guy washing his car in front of the garage.
I wasn’t lazy so I fact-checked that information because I don’t trust anonymous sources.
Indeed, this motherfucker had a caged Golden Retriever behind the house. It was clearly visible through my window. I have no idea how I didn’t notice this before.
So I walk down the stairs, get close to my car and this guy from across the street calls me over for coffee and breakfast with a big smile on his face.
Does he think I’m blind? And how fucked up do you have to be to lock up a dog that showed no signs of aggression throughout the recorded history?
So I said:
Fuck you, Jerry! I know that you don’t like dogs you little cunt!
And I drove away…