A Letter to Tech Recruiters

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@motaneluTudor Barbu

Trust me, I used to be an engineer

As a software engineer with more than 15 years of experience, a LinkedIn and Stackoverflow profile, I got my fair share of interaction with recruiters. Some were spot-on with the relaxed to the point attitude that gets an engineer’s attention.
Others were really weird. I was contacted by a recruiter from the company I just left 2 months before. Or another recruiter called me and refused to tell me where they got my number from. That was awkward.
Over time, I started seeing some patterns emerging on how recruiters contacted me. Please try to avoid them, as they don’t lead anywhere.

The “can you do my job for me?”

The worst emails I get are those when the recruiter starts the message with something to the tune of:
Hi Tudor, I’m
<recruiter>
, looking for a position that requires technology
<tech here>
. Do you happen to know if somebody’s interested?
Not from the top of my head, but worry not, I will spend the next two weekends calling everyone I know to see if someone’s interested. You know, just because we’re friends!

The “I have no idea what I’m doing”

Java and Javascript are different technologies. Same as for MySQL and MS SQL. “Orade” is not a thing. I understand that sometimes people take notes in cursive and type them afterward and a
cl
looks like a
d
. There are calligraphy classes available if you don’t understand your own handwriting. Also, Google is your friend.
Nobody has 5 years of work experience with a framework that was released 2 years ago. If I were to have a time machine I would use it for something useful, like stopping Hitler. Buying Bitcoin. Beating the shit out of my primary school bully. Time-traveling to learn a framework before everyone else on the off-shot that someday it may land me this job doesn’t even make my super-mega-extra-long list.

The “I failed my spelling class, but I have a good attitude”

Hi Tubor, bla bla bla …
Hi random recruiter, please click here: How to Copy, Cut, and Paste for Beginners. On a more serious note, one of the easiest ways to create rapport is to address people by their names. Corollary: one of the easiest ways to break rapport is to get people’s names wrong.
Also, Starbucks may be a better career choice. They seem to thrive on getting names wrong.

The “I‘m hiring a whole tech department”

When you’re looking for someone that can do Java, python, C, React, Vue, AWS, Azure, Linux, SEO, Photoshop and/or Illustrator and security background is an advantage, you’re not hiring a person, you’re hiring an entire tech department.
Bonus points if the salary is in the junior range. Try playing the lottery, the odds are better!

The “GDPR”

Hi Tudor, I have a job offer that may interest you. Can I please share it with you?
Yes, please go ahead. I accept all the cookies!

The “Nike — just do it”

Also known as “will you abandon your life and move to a different country for a 3 months contract?”. Sure, I heard a lot of people quit their long term job and move to Reading, Berkshire for a 3 months contract. Personally I always wanted to move to a place I can’t show on the map. What? The contract can be extended? Amazing, let me call the moving company. #YOLO

The “CIA spook”

No details whatsoever. The message looks more like a puzzle of the imagination than a job offer. It gives me a James Bond vibe just reading it.
Hi Tudor,
I’m recruiting for one of global leaders in technology. We have a very young and highly experienced working on some very cool projects. The salary and perks are amazing. Can you please send me your CV at [email protected]?
Sure. I don’t find it at all weird that your team is both extremely young and experienced at the same time. And I always wanted to work on cool projects for an industry leader. Here’s my CV:
Tudor Barbu
Amazing software engineer with a lot of years of experience working for industry leaders and not so industry leaders. I am versed in a lot of technologies on both client and server.
I also have cool hobbies and I speak some languages. You may contact me at [email protected]
I think I would make a good fit.

The “I don’t read CVs or LinkedIn profiles”

Hi, I was wondering if you’re interested in this C# position…
Sure, I will throw away years of accrued knowledge and start from scratch with a technology that’s not even mentioned as “others” on my profile. But fear not, I am a fast learner and I will reach senior level before tomorrow’s interview. But just to make sure it’s worth my time, the job is in Reading Berkshire, right?

The “Dear, I hope you’re well”

Dear Tudor, I hope you’re well…
No, just no.

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